Histomat: Adventures in Historical Materialism

'Historical materialism is the theory of the proletarian revolution.' Georg Lukács

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Oliver Kamm: Is he Superman?

Clark Kent: Is 'Oliver Kamm' just a mask for Superman?

Histomat exclusive: Oliver Kamm exposed as International Superhero!

Cast your minds back a year or so ago. Dark clouds were gathering over the metropolis of London. The ordinary people were living in fear under the ever present threat of terror masterminded by the evil genius Bin Lex Luthor. Noone seemed to know how to fight the growing menace of Luthoran totalitarianism. Political leaders such as the brave Prime Minister Tony Blair had declared a 'war on terror' but to no apparent avail. These wars didn't kill the totalitarian monster, which seemed to grow stronger, its tentacles spreading further, feeding off hatred.

Enemies of the British metropolis - appeasers of this Luthoran totalitarianism - began to grow in confidence and discord spread among the population. A 'Stop the War Coalition' formed but really they were 'less anti-war' than 'anti-American and anti-British'. They only gave the evil Luthorans more and more confidence. What is more is that they told lies to the people about the war on terror, confusing them.

Then suddenly, people started to feel a new hope. A battle was finally won in the long war on terror. After years of war, one of Bin Lex Luthor's minions, Saddam, was finally captured. Billions of people worldwide who had been living in the shadow of Luthoran totalitarianism rejoiced - was there a way this totalitarian monster could be stopped? It seemed that perhaps some supernatural force was now intervening on the side of good in its battle against evil, helping civilisation to overcome barbarism. The political leaders of America and Britain put this down to the fact that 'God' was on their side - but the ordinary people believed instead that it was because a 'Superman' of some sort had appeared and was living among them, protecting them now from Bin Lex Luthor.

The tabloid media in particular was seized with stories all adding grist to the rumour mill - stories of how Luthorans had been foiled at the last minute by some strange 'Superman' who appeared out of nowhere - but who was this guy? Who was this brave hero fighting the tide of jihadist Luthoran totalitarians? Rumours spread that the 'Superman' was called 'Cam' or something like that - and instantly politicians with similar sounding names put themselves forward - pretending to be, if not 'the Superman' then just like him. First there was David Cameron of the Conservative Party, who proclaimed himself 'modern, compassionate' - just like the Superman - or 'Super - Cam' as the tabloids now dubbed him. Then Sir Ming 'Cam'-pbell was elected leader of the Liberal Democrats as they tried to gather up some of the magic around this seemingly mythical figure that had appeared.

Yet noone until now has suspect that the real Superman is none other than Oliver Kamm - an obscure blogger turned Times columnist. Histomat was first to tell you about Blair's hidden Trotskyism - and now we are once again first with the story that Oliver Kamm is actually Superman!

This is our carefully collected evidence - which we hope you'll agree is pretty overwhelming - if not conclusive:

1. He is a nerdy figure in the world of journalism who no-one would suspect of being an international superhero in his spare time. Think of Clark Kent - wasn't he also a nerdy figure in the world of journalism? Hmm.

2. He is called 'Kamm' - aint that a bit too close to 'Cam'?

3. He has written a book attacking Bin Lex Luthor - the evil mastermind genius - which shows how brave he is (his book is called 'Anti-Totalitarianism: the Left-Wing Case for a Neoconservative Foreign Policy' - the title alone reveals that he is truly an intellectual powerhouse of the first degree - he went to Oxford University don't you know? ).

4. He wrote an article in today's Guardian which seems to hint that he is actually part of the struggle against Luthoranism and not just an ordinary journalist reporting on the struggle from the outside. It is titled 'We were right to invade Iraq' and he talks about noting that 'We at least have the advantage in that struggle of having confronted Saddam at a time of our choosing'. It seems almost certain that Kamm has been fighting the Luthoran totalitarian menace on the front line - he is a true action hero.

5. He seems to speak with the voice of someone who has seen Lex Luthor and his minions up close and personal - because he is their sworn enemy and indeed the only one who can save us from them. 'Containment would have meant persisting with what most outraged Osama bin Laden [Lex Luthor]: western troops in Saudi Arabia - and Bin Laden [Luthor] urges "Muslims to prepare as much force as possible to terrorise the enemies of God"'. Or how about this: 'Saddam allowed intrusive inspections only because of the threat of force.' Wow!

6. Last but not least - he seems to be able to see into the future. 'Had we not overthrown Saddam, Iraq today would be far from tranquil. Many argue that the absence of WMD shows that western policy had been working. It was in reality unravelling fast, and few opponents of war treated the problem seriously.' Talk about superhuman abilities! What a superhero Kamm is!

Overall, while some readers will feel that by exposing him in this way we put Oliver at risk and so put the struggle against global Luthoran totalitarianism back, I think you'll agree that the public has a right to know things like this. Isn't there something Kamm ought to be telling the rest of us? Will the real 'Super-Kamm' please stand up?



At 7:22 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I prefer Luthoran.

At 1:32 pm, Blogger Snowball said...

Thanks - I think you are gramatically correct - I might go through and change it...

At 2:27 pm, Blogger Callum said...

Very good.

I bet the Kamm family sit in fear every day, waiting to see if their dear son, Oliver, comes home that day's fighting in the trenches.

They never like having that put to them. Yes, yes, yes, my job is to fight the war in the broadsheet editorial sections, leave the dying to the plebs - they're used to it.

At 2:50 pm, Blogger Snowball said...

Indeed. 'Theirs is not to question why - theirs is but to do or die'... did Kipling say that?

At 4:24 pm, Blogger Callum said...

I couldn't say, but it certainly sounds like him.

At 5:54 pm, Blogger Ed said...

Ha ha ha. Like it.

I couldn't believe that the Guardian had decided to employ the 'talents' of that smug little bastard.

I think you hit the nail right on the head in your description of him as some kind of wannabe superhero, 'bravely' battling the forces of darkness.

I expected to see a stack of complaints in the Guardian's letters today - but not a single one. Perhaps most people assume he's another Norman Johnson spoof.

At 1:51 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oi Snowball,

Sorry to go off-topic, but I can't believe you missed posting anything on yesterday's 50th anniversary of your self-declared "2nd favourite revolution of all time", the 1956 anti-communist rebellion in Hungary.

Marking the anniversary, George W Bush said on Thursday this week: "The Hungarian example is an example of the fact that freedom exists in everybody's soul. It's an example that tyranny can never stamp out the desire to be free."

Looks like Dubya's speechwriters are pinching ideas from Snowball's blog. Well, imitation is the greatest form of flattery.

At 3:21 pm, Blogger Snowball said...

Thierry - I agree with you about the hypocrisy of Bush giving lectures about democracy and freedom. However:

'March 15 commemorates the beginning of the 1848-1849 Hungarian Revolution and War of Independence against Hapsburg domination. It is one of the country’s three national days and marks the birth of modern parliamentary Hungary.'

Ie - March 15 is the anniversary of what Marxists would call a 'bourgeois revolution' (in 1848) - not the workers uprising which kicked off in October 1956. When its October, don't worry, I'll celebrate the anniversary alright. As much as I'd like to celebrate every single anniversary of every single revolution ever I don't have time - sorry about that.


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