Histomat: Adventures in Historical Materialism

'Historical materialism is the theory of the proletarian revolution.' Georg Luk√°cs

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Legendary icon of religious Right takes a bow


Charleton Lynton was Judus Blair-Urh

This week saw the famous figure of Charleton Lynton take his leave from the political stage with a ceremony at Westminster Cathedral.

Blair-Urh

Born Anthony Charles Lynton Blair, Charleton Lynton made his name as Judus Blair-Urh, a role which drew praise from discerning critics such as JP Morgan. Despite getting involved in several shocking scenes of brutal violence Blair-Urh nearly won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Heston Blumenthal

Charleton Lynton was an intensely political figure with a strong religious faith. Early on he was very idealistic and made his name as an eager young peace campaigner and an active member of CND. However, at some point in the 1980s he became a much more reactionary thinker, dropping his earlier commitment to peace and disarmament and becoming obsessed by weapons of mass destruction and guns in general. He also became an early admirer of American President George W Bush.

God, Guns and Government

His love of God, guns and the American government meant that from 1997-2007 Lynton was elected Prime Minister of Great Britain, a small outpost of the American Empire. However, at some point during this period he seems to have become diagnosed with an illness known as Messiah's disease. This sad condition led Lynton to some confusion, thinking he was at various times a kind of Moses figure appointed by God to lead the children of Iraq to democracy, and at times God himself at Judgement Day. 'Today is not a day for soundbites' he suddenly announced at one point, 'but I feel the hand of history on my shoulder.'

Planet of the Apes

It was Charleton Lynton's 'messiah complex' that probably led him to support George W Bush's disastrous 'crusade' against 'evil-doers' in the Holy Land. Lynton's support for Bush's drive for world domination led to a fall in popularity among the wider public towards the end of his career, and he resigned from his role as Prime Minister of Great Britain in 2007.

El C.I.D.

Despite his strong religious convictions, some critics of Lynton thought he should have acquired a number of criminal convictions for his reckless support for war and violence. He became a popular target for satirists such a Michael Moore and was like Bush, was even portrayed in The Simpsons. As one commentator put it at the end, 'with a name like Judas Blair-Urh, perhaps we should have seen Charleton Lynton's betrayal of the values of the labour movement and the peace movement coming'.

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