New Labour R.I.P.

Here lied New Labour (1994-2008).

Yesterday it was announced at Crewe and Nantwich General Infirmary that the New Labour Party has been officially pronounced dead.

The cause of death has still yet to be confirmed, and some fear that one Mr. T. Blair and one Mr. G. Brown may be guilty of having rather a lot of blood on their hands, but in any case a long history of addiction to a culture of lying, hypocrisy, arrogance and permanent war together with an extreme dependence on US imperialism and an intensely relaxed attitude to the rich becoming filthy rich certainly took their toll over the years. In the last few days, the New Labour Party machine was in a state of some crazed delirium, ranting and raving in a deeply racist fashion about the hospital ward in Crewe and Nantwich and terrifying many of the other patients.

The funeral will take place sometime from 9-16 June in London. The few remaining friends of the late New Labour Party such as George W. Bush are expected to fly in to attend the ceremony, and a march will be held.

The last even slightly comprehensible dying words of New Labour were recorded as follows:

'The message that we have got is that people are concerned. They are concerned about rising food prices, rising petrol prices. People are concerned rightly about gas and electricity bills, they are concerned about the economy, and I think the message that I have to get to people is this: that we are unequivocal and clear in our direction, that we are going to address and are addressing these problems, we will continue to do so, and my task is to steer the British economy through what have been very difficult times in every country in the world, and that I will continue to do with a direction and clear direction that shows that we will address all of the problems that people are facing. I think people know that the task ahead is to take the British economy through what are very difficult times, difficult times in every country, and I think the message from voters is very clear. It's that people want us to address what are very real challenges, challenges of rising petrol prices when people go to the petrol station, challenges at the supermarket when people see rising food prices, gas and electricity bills that have gone up as a result of oil prices going up, and we will address these problems and the message that I think is absolutely clear and unequivocal is that the direction of the Government is to address all these major concerns that people have, and the task that I have is to steer the British economy through these difficult times. The task I have been entrusted with is to make sure that we can come through the difficult economic times we face, and when I hear what people are saying - and I go round the country a great deal and I understand people's concerns - people are worried after 10 years in which standards of living have been rising, we have a problem because of rising oil prices, with petrol prices, with food prices, with gas and electricity prices. Although it's happening in every country of the world, I understand that the message of the British public is clear and unequivocal. They want us to address these challenges and I believe that I can do so, and that is the task that I have set for myself that we take this economy through difficult times into a future where we have both fairness for all and prosperity for the British people and that is the challenge that I am going to meet for the British people.'

At that point it was unanimously agreed there was nothing else that could be done for the patient, who was clearly not only very sick but in a state of heightened self delusion, and the life support machine was switched off.