Rain stops play in the BB House...

Day 32 4.06pm

The housemates are in the living area sitting around two tables. Torrential rain outside the BB No. 10 House has meant that Big Brother has provided them with board games to entertain them. Digby, Hazel, Shaun, Ed and Jacqui are sitting together, ready to play 'Monopoly'.

DIGBY: My favourite game this - taught me everything I know in life. I'll be the 'Top Hat'...
SHAUN: Oh yes, cracking fun travelling round London buying up property, eh wot? ...I'll be the 'Bag of Money'. I'll have another Pimms, Jeeves.
JEEVES: Very good, Sir.
ED: I'll be 'the car'. My dad once told me that this game was invented by anti-capitalist Quakers to try and teach people how capitalism failed as an economic system as everyone began with equal wealth and yet by the end of the game one person had the lot and everyone else had nothing...
DIGBY: Bolshie nonsense, boy. Capitalism rewards talent and those that work hard...[whispers to Ed: you want to know the secret to winning Monopoly son - get lucky and land on 'Orange' and then built up that set..]
ED: Wow thanks - you are so cool Digby...
HAZEL: I'll be 'the dog'.*
JACQUI: Oh great - I'm left with the 'old boot'. Thanks guys.

Meanwhile on the other table, the remaining housemates are in the middle of the game 'Risk'

HARRIET: I'm so bored. This game is just about armies fighting each other the whole time - isn't there enough of that going on in the outside world?
DAVID: Well, Harriet, my father once told me that Risk must have been invented by anti-imperialists, as it shows that inevitably all empires must fall...
GORDON: Well by the way this game is going it looks like my empire might just prove that 'law of history' wrong - I am poised to take over the whole world - no one here seems capable of stopping me...
ALISTAIR: Well, Gordon, you might have achieved global hegemony but you haven't dislodged me yet from Afghanistan after the fourth time of trying, and Jack has you bogged down in Mesopotamia and Persia...
GORDON: I will destroy you, darling...
DAVID: How many troops are you willing to keep sending in Gordon? You keep sending 'em in, they keep coming back in bodybags...shouldn't one learn from History at all?
JACK: Victory to the resistance!
GORDON: I think someone has had one too many Shandy's...Now, back to the game everyone. Concentrate. Where was I? Ah, yes, Afghanistan... [Gordon mutters to himself: I will conquer Afghanistan for the greater glory of the British Empire...it is...my destiny...]

Will Digby win Monopoly? Will Gordon keep risking it all in an attempt to conquer Afghanistan? Can you stand the excitement? Stay tuned folks!

[*Readers - please note that this is not me trying to be sexist, I just think Hazel would probably want to be the little Scotty dog...]

The latest from the BB house...

Day 24 9.49pm
The housemates, with the exception of Digby who is busy eating cake in the kitchen area, are all in the sitting room. They are talking about places they have visited on holiday...

DAVID: My best holiday ever was spent in the States. I just love everything about America...
ALISTAIR: What? Even George Bush and the neo-cons?
GORDON: Now now darling, don't be anti-American...

Big Brother No. 10 has been criticised by some on the outside for being one of the dullest ever, despite the claim that it was a house 'of all the talents'. The first task of the house involved housemates revealing their particular 'talent' to their fellow housemates. Gordon's talent was a perverse party trick, known as the 'Brown bounce'. However housemates have soon tired of Gordon's repeated attempts to perform this and have spent increasing amounts of time moaning about Gordon behind his back in the Diary room. Alistair's talent was a distinctly convincing impression of an owl. Digby's talent was his ability to consume vast quantities of pies. However, when it was the turn of Harriet to show off her 'talent', she burst into tears and ran into the bedroom complaining that the task was 'unfair'. The housemates accordingly failed the talent task, adding to the building tensions in the house...

Day 24 11pm
Suddenly the door opens and another four new housemates appear! Lets meet them!


Name: Shaun 'Wooster' Woodward

Favourite colour: Money
Occupation: Minister for Northern Ireland
First Words in the House: 'This house is so tiny - How on earth do people live in conditions such as this?'
Life Philosophy: Careerism.
Likes: Being so rich he can own a butler.
Dislikes: Proles.
Why BB?: 'Sounds like bloody good fun, eh wot?'

Name: Jeeves.

Favourite colour: Black
Occupation: Shaun Woodward's butler.
First Words in the House: 'After you, sir.'
Life Philosophy: Being quite intelligent.
Likes: Reading.
Dislikes: Fascists.
Why BB?: I really couldn't say.


Name: Jacqui

Favourite colour: Brown
Occupation: Home Secretary
First Words in the House: 'Lets get this Party started!'
Life Philosophy: Careerism mixed with hypocrisy.
Likes: Partying.
Dislikes: Young people. Cannabis.
Why BB?: This Big Brother is so boring - I am the person to liven things up!


Name: Ed

Favourite colour: Brown.
Occupation: Cabinet Office Minister
First Words in the House: 'This is so much better than school!'
Life Philosophy: Careerism
Likes: Doing homework. Harry Potter.
Dislikes: Going to school everyday.
Why BB?: 'As the youngest ever housemate on Big Brother, I believe I can bring something new to the Big Brother house - apart from the latest Harry Potter book of course!'

What difference will the new housemates make? Could they be the saviours of Big Brother No. 10? Or will this lot go down as the dullest collection of housemates ever? Stay tuned to find out!

BB No. 10 Update...

It is Day Four in the Big Brother House, and the housemates are in the sitting room, discussing politics:

GORDON: 'Am I glad that Tony Blair has finally gone. While he was in power, there were British soldiers dying in Iraq and Afghanistan on a daily basis, and a mounting threat of terrorism at home. Now we can all finally relax again - its back to business as usual.'
HARRIET: 'You are so right Gordon, as always.'
DAVID: 'Oh Gordon, you are so right'.
HAZEL: 'Relax? If Big Brother hadn't taken away all our cigarettes we might have a chance...'
ALISTAIR: 'I agree with Gordon too. I don't know what people ever saw in Blair, personally. I can't believe that they have now gone and made this war criminal into a peace envoy - what the fuck is that all about?'
GORDON: 'Less of the swearing, darling.'
JACK: 'I hate war criminals, me. Lock 'em up and throw away the key I say.'

Suddenly the door opens and another new housemate appears! Lets meet him!



Name: Digby

Favourite colour: Grey.
Occupation: Minister for Trade and Investment.
First Words in the House: 'I wish I could fit through this bloody door'
Life Philosophy: Getting rich by doing as little work as possible.
Likes: Big Business. Rich people. Money. Pies.
Dislikes: Trade Unionists. The Unemployed. 'The Great Unwashed'.
Why BB?: 'I like the idea of sitting around for weeks on end and doing nothing. I think I'd be pretty good at that. I am the Big Beast of Big Brother - geddit?'.

How will the other housemates take to Digby? Will he eat all the pies? Stay tuned to find out!

BB No. 10 - Meet the New Housemates!

It is day 1 in the Big Brother Downing Street House and today Gordon and Harriet have been joined by four brand shiny new housemates! How exciting! Lets meet them...



Name: Alistair

Favourite colour: Grey.
Occupation: Chancellor.
First Words in the House: 'Don't call me darling...I'm not your darling'
Life Philosophy: Careerism.
Likes: Owls.
Dislikes: Blackadder Goes Forth. Being called 'Captain' or 'Darling'.
Why BB?: 'I want the general public to see the real me'.



Name: Jack

Favourite colour: Grey.
Occupation: Justice Minister.
First Words in the House: 'I am the law'.
Life Philosophy: Authoritarianism / Careerism/ Making racism respectable.
Likes: State Repression. Margaret Thatcher. Illegal wars. Telling women what they can and cannot wear in public.
Dislikes: International Law. Cannabis. Students. Judges. Immigrants (esp. Muslims.) Liberals. Juries. Protesters.
Why BB?: 'I think I could learn a thing or two from Big Brother [evil laugh]'



Name: David

Favourite colour: Grey.
Occupation: Foreign Secretary.
First Words in the House: 'This is going to be like, so cool'.
Life Philosophy: Neo-Liberalism with a baby face. Careerism.
Likes: Watching Big Brother. Paris Hilton.
Dislikes: Any mention of the politics of his father, a towering giant of post-war British Marxism, Ralph Miliband.
Why BB?: 'I want to show off my personality and charisma to the world'.



Name: Hazel

Favourite colour: Orange.
Occupation: Secretary for Community
First Words in the House: 'This is going to be brilliant!'
Life Philosophy: Careerism with a happy shiny face.
Likes: Power.
Dislikes: Muslims.
Why BB?: 'I think Big Brother is brilliant - British culture at its best!'

What do you think of the housemates? Not impressed? Well, there will be more going into the house soon...

New feature on Histomat: Big Brother No. 10

Today marks the historic launch of Big Brother No. 10, where contestants will compete to rise up the greasy pole of political power by going into No. 10 Downing Street - or what will now be called 'the Big Brother House'. Sponsored by No2ID, today the first housemates will enter No. 10 and Histomat will be first with the official news of the power struggle which results.

So...what are we waiting for? Lets meet the first housemates!



Name: Gordon

Favourite colour: Brown.
Occupation: Prime Minister.
First Words in the House: 'I'm a soul man, I'm a soul brother'.
Life Philosophy: Neo-Liberalism with a happy smiley face.
Likes: Money, Economics, Rich people. Humanitarian Interventions.
Dislikes: Striking public sector workers and striking postal workers. Strikes in general.
Why BB?: 'I like state power and admired the ideal behind Big Brother in the novel 1984'

Name: Harriet

Favourite colour: White.
Occupation: Chair of Labour Party.
First Words in the House: 'I’ve never said the government should apologise [over Iraq]'
Life Philosophy: Bourgeois Feminism.
Likes: Middle England.
Dislikes: Anti-war protesters. Being caught out lying.
Why BB?: 'I see going on Big Brother as a good career move'.

Do you like what you see so far? No? Well, there will be plenty more housemates joining these two in No. 10 Downing Street soon!