Strictly business

The knives are out for Don Blairino. He knows that when his enemies come, they will come as his friends, with smiles on their faces. That is why loyal lieutenant 'Jack the knife' had to go, that is why 'Fungus the Bogeyman' Clarke had to go. And that is why the man who would be Don, Gordonio, looks so bloody miserable the whole time - if he smiled, well, that would be the last time we heard of him too...

Yet the reason why no one has yet stuck the knife into Blairino is not so clear. Many suspect it is because he has one last trick up his bloody sleave - one 'secret weapon' with an intellect so overpowering, and the mere mention of whose name strikes fear into all who cross his path, the man known to the wider world as 'Denis MacShane'. Denis is just about the only backbench MP left who still shows Tony any respect, and he thinks other should do the same. As Denis the Enforcer puts it, rather euphamistically, 'A little loyalty and a few more zipped mouths would be welcome.'

For those Labour MPs who continue to take sides against 'the family', Denis has three ways of making them show 'a little loyalty'.

For those who are basically loyal, but prone to listening to 'voices' telling them that it is time to renew New Labour by replacing Blairino with Gordonio, Denis just gently suggests to them that they might be losing their grip on reality. In the nicest possible way, of course. 'Have my fellow Labour MPs lost their senses?' he quietly suggests. He tells them how the local elections, rather than being any sort of disaster, were a wonderful vindication of Blairism's popularity: 'In the local elections on Thursday, Labour lost 300 councillors...Compared with the Tory tsunamis that won every major city in 1968, Blair has done well.' Ah yes, of course, losing 300 councillors and getting the worst results since 1982 is 'doing well'. After all, we all remember the 'Tory tsunamis of 1968' like they were yesterday...

Secondly, for more retiscent Labour types who seem to be turning against Blair, Denis warns them that Tony believes in God and God is on Tony's side: 'Those whom the gods wish to destroy, they first make into Labour MPs...'

Thirdly and finally, for those whose detestation of Blairino has reached the point of no return, Denis warns them that if they bring Blairino down then then things will get violent. 'Whoever pours poison into the wells of Labour's citadels with the kind of briefings in every paper this weekend will inherit a witches' brew... Attempting to end Blairino's reign will mean 'the mutually assured destruction of the collective achievement of this reforming government'.

So what happens now? Will Don Blairino manage to make Gordonio yet another 'offer he can't refuse' and so hang on to power? How long will it be until Gordonio tells Tony that 'its nothing personal' as he stabs him in the back? We can only be sure of one thing. While John Prescott may like sleeping around, politically speaking it will not be long before Tony Blairino sleeps with the fishes.