Feel the hate...

Are you white, male, over fifty and running a small colonial outpost of the American Empire?

Is your electorate tiring of The War Against Terror and your unflinching support for it?

Are you facing the prospect of an economic downturn or an election anytime in the next year or so?

Is your Government mired by allegations of sleaze and corruption and full of idiotic incompetents and mindless mediocrities?

Have you got anti-war protesters still marching against your Government year in year out?

Are you finding it hard to cover up the fact that your administration is running out of new ideas fast?

If the answer to any or all of these questions is 'Yes', then help may be at hand thanks to Humanitarian Anti Terror Equipment (H.A.T.E.). H.A.T.E. offers you and your Government a range of tried and tested 'Divide and Rule' products designed to help you in your time of need. Since 2001, our 'Islamophobia' range has been especially popular and includes:

1.The Three Minute HATE: We release a grainy video of someone doing a passable impression of Osama Bin Laden onto the internet. 'Bin Laden' is pointing out the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have been disastrous defeats for the West and laughing in an evil manner at the fact he still eludes capture.
Benefits: Reminds people why The War Against Terror is still going on, even when it has now lasted longer than the Second World War. Takes the failings of your administration off the front pages for a day.
Costs: Reminds people that The War Against Terror has failed in its stated principle aim, to bring Bin Laden to justice, even though it has now lasted longer than the Second World War. Also please see Warning below.

2. The Three Day HATE: We help advise a minor junior minister in your Government, typically some eminently forgettable non-entity like Phil Woolas, to come up with some outrageous comment about the Muslim community in your country.
Benefits: Distracts attention away from the failings of your administration for several days at least while the papers discuss these comments.
Costs: When the allegations are digested and proved to be racist you may have to face down some calls to dispense with the services of the aforementioned minister. Also see Warning below.

3. The Three Week HATE : We can help orchestrate a 'Trial by Media' or 'Witch-hunt' of some leading public figure - for example, the Mayor of London or the Archbishop of Canterbury, for making any mild anti-racist or pro-Muslim comments.
Benefits: Distracts public attention away from the failings of your administration for three weeks while the media goes into hyperdrive demonising the aforementioned individual.
Costs: Remarkably few - but see Warning below.

Plus New for 2008:

The Three Month HATE: Currently being launched in the US, the Three Month HATE is a grand 'Show Trial' of prisoners of war who after years of torture have 'confessed' to committing acts of terrorism and face military tribunal followed by the Death Penalty.
Benefits: Enables you to declare another historic victory in The War Against Terrorism.
Costs: Some outcry from the 'civil liberties/human rights lobby'. Plus see Warning below.

HEALTH WARNING: The long term side-effects of public exposure to products from H.A.T.E. are unpredictable and potentially very highly dangerous. All H.A.T.E. products are poisonous, and so harmful to the political culture of your country. Repeated use has been shown to lead to a rise in racism, a rise in racist attacks, and a rise in support for racist and neo-fascist political parties. H.A.T.E. advises our products are only administered in limited doses and are used in moderation by responsible experienced politicians only. H.A.T.E. takes no responsibility for the misuse or abuse of any of our products.