Histomat Exclusive: Inside the Royals' Rolls Royce

[Though Histomat cannot quite claim to be as dangerous to governments as Wikileaks, we are very proud to be first to bring people a transcript of the conversation between Prince Charles and Camilla in their Rolls Royce as it attempted to drive through the mass student protest on Thursday.]

Camilla: I am so looking forward to the Royal Variety show tonight...

Charles: Well at least that makes one of us. I'm sorry, I'm just in a bit of a foul mood. It's all the fault of that dreadful Terry Eagleton. His review of my book Harmony is just appalling. Let me read it out to you:

Never afraid to stick his ears above the parapet, Prince Charles has produced a book he proudly describes as "a call to revolution". Throwing moderation to the winds, he comes out in favour of happiness, sustainable development and cities fit to live in, while opposing greed, ugliness and environmental catastrophe. Has his old man got wind of this subversive stuff? Has the prince taken to selling Socialist Worker to the toilers of Clarence House?

Camilla: Darling, sorry to stop you in full flow. I have always wondered, what exactly is socialism?

Charles: Oh, nothing to worry your pretty little head about dear. It's a very old-fashioned thing now - something about collective democratic control of industry and society by the workers or something. It's long been something people feel has no relevance or purpose in the world we all live in today.

Camilla: Oh, jolly good. It sounds like a lot of Bolshy rubbish to me.

Charles: Well, quite. Anyway, enough of Eagleton and this talk of socialism - lets just try and enjoy this evening yes?

Chauffeur [interrupting]: Sorry to disturb, your Royal Highnesses, it appears there may be some trouble up ahead.

Charles: Yes?

Chauffeur: Well, it's the students you see. They are revolting.

Camilla: Yes, yes, we know that students are revolting. Bloody parasitic layabouts and wasters. What's that got to do with us?

Chauffeur: Sorry, your Royal Highness, I mean it appears that the students are protesting in central London today and we have been advised to take a detour around their protest.

Camilla: Oh, bloody hell - we are running late as it is. Charles, darling, what are the students protesting about again?

Charles: Well, I think the government has decided to raise the level of tuition fees or something. Up to £9,000.

Camilla: £9,000 a day? That does sound a little bit steep.

Charles: No, sorry darling, £9,000 a year I think.

Camilla: That's nothing! Why I spend that amount a week on making myself look beautiful. Bloody students! Drive on! Drive on! We'll be late!

Chauffeur: Very good, Your Royal Highness.

Charles: These student protests are partly the fault of the idiocy of that silly little man Nick Clegg.

Camilla: Nick who?

Charles: You know darling, the leader of the Liberal Democrats.
One of my valets, Waterson, told me that he rang up Liberal Democrat central office last week and asked for a copy of their election manifesto. The woman answering the phone said she was very sorry but they had sold out. You know what Waterson said?

Camilla: I have absolutely not the faintest idea.

Charles: He said: 'I know you have sold out, but I was actually wondering about maybe getting hold of a copy of the election manifesto!' Ha! Ha! Get it?

Camilla: If its meant to be a joke, I'm afraid I don't understand it all.

[The car soon runs into student protesters and has to slow down. One protester shouts 'All right Charlie, how's it going boy?']

Charles: I think they want to talk to us. I'll wind down my window and have a word with them.

Camilla: Do you think that's wise, darling?

Charles: Well, my father found himself in the middle of a march by firefighters a couple of weeks ago. They just looked amazed to see him, the Duke of Edinburgh, just sitting there and wanted to take his picture and things. This lot are only students for heavens sake. Listen, I think I can hear them chanting my name. 'We hail Prince Charles, we hail Prince Charles'. See the people all love us - and this is something we should begin to get more used to now given the wonderful news about Wills and Kate...

[Charles winds down window.]

Camilla: Oh god Charles - listen! They don't love us at all. They are chanting 'We hate Prince Charles, We hate Prince Charles'. Its so...ghastly.

Charles: Oh. So they are. Bugger. Bloody students. Drive on man! Drive on! The sooner we are through all this the better.

Camilla: These protests are all the fault of your bloody mother's fifth cousin twice removed...

Charles: You mean David? Oh, yes, I see. It's all a mess. A very regrettable mess.

[The students start chanting: 'Off with their heads! Off with their heads!']

Camilla: Oh, Charles. Do you think this is it? Are they going to... kill us?

Chauffeur: Your Royal Highnesses! Please wind the window back up - now!

[Here the recording becomes muffled and tails off due to loud noise of chanting. It is possible to just about make out a woman's voice - probably Camilla's - shouting to one policeman 'Shoot the students! Bloody just shoot them!' You can also hear students chants in the background 'David Cameron we know you, we f*cked up your HQ' and 'Prince Charles, we know you, we just f*cked up your roller too']