Brown contracts deadly Vietnam Syndrome

A Doctor Writes:

First he had to worry about Foot and Mouth, but now Gordon Brown seems to have caught the highly contagious 'Vietnam Syndrome', almost certainly off known sufferer George W Bush, who he met last month. This is a very worrying development indeed for British politics, as the disease seems to have infected the likes of apparently previously healthy politicians like David Miliband as well. It is not known if the whole of the Cabinet is now infected or not - though some members like Jack Straw are well known long term sufferers, having contracted the disease off Tony Blair.

If left unchecked, Vietnam Syndrome becomes highly dangerous - with severe consequences for the mental health of the patient. In an advanced state of the disease, the patient can become quite, quite unhinged. The classic case here is known among Doctors as the 'Christopher Hitchens', though there are other examples such as the 'Denis Macshane' and the 'Nick Cohen'. When the patient reaches such a state, then unfortunately there is little anyone can do. The afflicted person badly needs to be put out of their misery, and in some situations a quick workers' tribunal followed by a firing squad is probably the kindest thing that can happen. Unfortunately, instead of recieving this admittedly rather extreme form of treatment, in the case of Hitchens, Macshane and Cohen the patients are still cruelly mocked by all and sundry, repeatedly given column inches in national papers in which to fill as best they can.

If the disease is detected in time, a swift treatment known as AITW (Advocating Immediate Troop Withdrawal) can have some impact in stopping the disease from speading, though there is always a danger of relapse. Ideally, vaccination against the disease would be administered widely - the vaccination required is known as EFP (Ethical Foreign Policy). In 1997, Robin Cook tried to administer EFP to the British Labour Party - but the side effects of injecting EFP into the Labour Party at such a late stage in the Party's development were quite devastating - and possibly contributed to Blair going down with full blown Vietnam Syndrome almost immediately. Robin Cook himself tragically also succumbed to Vietnam Syndrome.

Other well-known sufferers in Britain include Johann Hari. It has long been feared by some that in Hari's case, shooting by firing squad may be the kindest thing, though others remain hopeful he might still recover as he has shown signs of apparent recovery in the past. With Hari, the thing is touch and go to be honest whether Vietnam Syndrome will reach Hitchensesque levels or not. What clearly is most unfair in Hari's case is that he remains a newspaper columnist - he should be relieved of this duty as soon as possible if there is to be any chance of stopping the disease developing.